Have I told you how awesome being a professional artist is? In a world full of fear, scarcity and uncertainty one thing is certain - I can create anything, anytime I want. That, in and of itself is so liberating. Like a child, my imagination can take me to magical places of awe and wonder, where the clouds move in rainbow patterns and the animals wear sunglasses just to be cool. I love that I can share this world with my community. Occasionally, when I paint, I think of the poor souls sitting in their cubicles looking with dread at the clocks counting the minutes until they can leave their virtual prisons. I know how it feels, because I lived it for many years in my adult life. I, and others, would literally wish our lives to pass faster. Sad. We would count the days until we had vacation time only for it to go by in a blink of an eye and we found ourselves wishing for another three months to pass by for the next one. But zip by they didn't. Those months were long, often boring, and incredibly unfulfilling.
I realized I had to make a change. As a single mom, it was not only challenging finding people available and willing to watch my young son on holidays (yes, holidays- I worked in a 24/7 industry), but the guilt that consumed me for missing Christmas after Christmas, birthday after birthday, school functions, sporting events ect - the list goes on and on. It was bad enough I wasn't there for him but I knew he would grow up remembering these special moments and days with babysitters. Not with his family - his babysitters. "Don't worry, he's young. He won't remember. Plus, you're making money for him," people would often say. One thing I've learned from the elderly is that it's experiences and moments children remember NOT the things. They remember mom missing their Christmas play when all the other children's parents waved and took photos in the audience. They remember waking up on Christmas to someone not-their-mom. They don't remember the PJ Masks play village that cost $200. In fact, in less than a year they don't have any use for it. The memory of mom not being there that morning however lasts for decades. And somehow I had to keep the professional smile on the entire shift, doing my job happily as I knew my young son with home with Angelina.
Like many, I choose to live my life without regrets. It's twice as important that I be present while raising my boy on my own. Sure, it took me awhile to work up the corporate ladder - to get a respectable, decent paying position. But at what cost? It was a cost I wasn't willing to make.
Having had my own business in my twenties, I knew that entrepreneurship was the ONLY option for me. In fact, when I left corporate I didn't leave on the best of terms - almost deliberately burning a bridge I knew I didn't want to cross again. I gave three weeks notice but left after two. As a woman in my forties plus, the last thing I wanted to keep doing is asking for a day off just to be denied. There is something so degrading-feeling about asking to have time with family from someone who only cares about the operations of the business and making money. Forget about the fact when I was "off" I was on call 24/7. It's a gross system. It's a system that I was becoming increasingly disgusted in being part of. The money and "benefits," the pension came at a cost. It cost my freedom, my joy, my time with my son - things I could never get back.
I look now at my life - a year after I became a fulltime artist. I initially started my business as a collective to help other artists thrive and while I decided to pivot after a few months to focus on my own art - I intend to get back into helping other artists grow their businesses and find the joy and freedom that I have found. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy the nightly dinners with my son and look forward to spending every single holiday I have left on this planet with him. Without asking permission.
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